This is an off topic post that has very little to do with movies, books or tv shows and more about some personal life bullshit. Just giving a fair warning if you decide to keep reading.
Its been over a year since I’ve last posted anything and not because I haven’t wanted to but rather due to lack of drive and suffering from some issues that include bouts of depression, self-criticism, low self-esteem, low self-worth and some self loathing. Yea, my head has been an awesome place to be for the last year and I think I’m finally in a some what good place to start writing again. This isn’t to say, I haven’t had my opinions about things in the last year, I just haven’t been motivated or inspired to actually sit in front of my computer and start writing.
I’ve made a list of some things that I knew I needed to change in my life to get better though some of them are a bit hard because I dont have the finances to make them happen but hopefully it wont prevent me for too much longer. Fun fact, one of the things that put me in a tail spin is the fact that I’ve got terrible luck/taste in men and some how I always pick that one guy that I think is gonna be different and they are all the same.
Which incidentally is also what has given me the kick in the butt to start writing again. Many, many, many moons ago I was in a relationship that in a lot of ways has fucked me up in how I’ve handled all of my future relationships and how I, myself, act and behave. One of the things that happened during that relationship was the fact that my s.o. disliked my friends and basically had me isolated from them because he never wanted to hang out with them and would get upset when I did. Its one of the things that I’ve tried very hard to nip in the bud in any relationship I’ve been in since (which has led to some very interesting stories) and have worked to make sure its not something that I’ve pulled on any one in return.
Which brings me to my point, in the last few months I’ve been talking to this guy on and off and we have a lot in common. There’s been seriously flirting going on but at the same time its like he never wants to go out with me. I’ve asked him out 4 times now; 1st time he cancelled due to personal issues, 2nd time I knew it was highly unlikely he would be able to go because it was super short noticed and times 3 & 4, well he’s basically ignored the question. But during all of this I’ve come to realize that I literally wait all day to hear from him and see what he is going to say next and maybe this time he will answer my question, and yea the list goes on. This behavior drives me crazy too because I use to rag on girls that acted like this. I hate that I’m constantly checking my phone and waiting on pins and needles for him to send anything to me. I had an epiphany of sorts today and realized that I use to do tons of stuff before I got in this weird crazy rut, and not just because of this guy, but in general.
I use to be able to sit in front of my screen and just zone as I write but now its an uphill battle a lot of the time to even open a word doc. So I’m trying to get back in the swing of things, I’m trying to not look at my phone every few seconds and maybe I can send out a few vibes to the universe for him to make an effort or some kind of decision so I can get out of this limbo/purgatory that I feel like I’m stuck in all the time with him.
But I can say one thing for him, at least he gave me the kick in the pants to start writing again.